God Awful! The World's WORST Jimmy Newtron FanFic!
by Snazzo
Summary: Just when you thought it was safe to log onto the Internet comes GOD AWFUL, a JN fanfic so terrible it will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you hack up phlegm all at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

God Awful

The World's Worst Jimmy Newtron Fanfic

By Snazzo

Hand in hand, Jimmy and Cindy walked through the Retroville Park

"I think you're awful pretty," Jimmy told Cindy.

"I think you're pretty awful myself," Cindy told Jimmy.

"No, what I mean to say is I think you're cute," Jimmy said.

"Well, you're cuter," Cindy said.

"Well, you're cutest," Jimmy said.

"Well, you're cutest to infinity," Cindy said.

"Well that's great! Do you wanna make out?" Jimmy asked.

"I thought you'd never ask, you big hunk of brain!" Cindy growled.

And so they made out, rolling around in the grass, falling into the fountain, knocking over a nearby squirrel, and ending up in a tree.

"Get a lab, you young hooligans!" Officer Tubbs declared, picking his nose, as he passed by on his motorcycle.

"Wow, you were great," Jimmy said, panting.

"You were greater," Cindy said.

"Let's not start that again," Jimmy said.

"Start what again?" Betty asked.

"Oh, kiss me you fool," Jimmy said.

So Britney kissed Jimmy. Fireworks went off. "Wow, I didn't know it was the Fourth of July!" Sam declared.

"You kiss like a woman possessed," Jimmy told Libby.

"And you kiss like a wounded moose," Nissa replied.

"Well that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me since the last thing someone said a nice thing to me," Jimmy told her.

Quite suddenly, Jimmy fell out of the tree and landed on top of a passing rhinoceros, knocking himself out.

"What a pity," Cindy said, "And I was hoping we could make out."

Meanwhile, across town, a shot rang out. Hugh leapt out of bed. "Boy, howdy, that new alarm clock is a real eye opener!!" he cried with gusto.

Judy, looking radiant in a negligee made of liverwurst and skunk, rolled over and said "Go back to sleep, sugar lumps, its Saturday."

"No it isn't," Hugh told her, "It is Wednesday. Yesterday was Monday so today must be Wednesday."

"You're both wrong!" Jimmy Durante said, coming out of the closet. "It's Friday, sure as my name is Julio Inglesias!"

"Thanks Jimbo!" Hugh said. "Well, I better get ready for work then."

Judy got out of bed, stepping on a rubber duck with a corn cob pipe. "And, well, I better get breakfast ready."

Jimmy Durante went back into the closet. "And, well, I better go back to being dead."

"Bye Jimbo!" Hugh called out. He went to the bathroom, in the bathroom of course. I don't mean to say he went to the bathroom there in the bedroom, that would be especially gross. But funny. But anyway, he shaved too, then put on his clothes. Then took off his clothes because he forgot to take off his pajamas first. Then put his clothes back on again. Then trotted down the stairs, past the water cooler and the Zulus.

Hugh tripped on the pet cat. "Honey, how long have we had a pet cat?"

"Hugh," Judy said from the kitchen, which was strange because she was really in the dining room. "We don't have a pet cat. We just have Godard."

"Beat it cat!" Hugh said.

"Sorry man!" the cat replied and got into his Honda and drove off to Interior, South Dakota, where they grow delicious lemons.

Meanwhile, on a distant asteroid, an incredibly fat man rolled out of bed like a dead deer carcass rolls off a dented fender. The floor groaned under his immense fat like metal groaning under immense stress.

"Well," the man, whose name was Charely the Most Foul, though he preferred "Fat Man" - "Well, let's see, what planet can I conquer today?" He looked at his computer, thumbing thru the thumbnails with his thumb. A small insignificant blue green planet came up on the screen.

"Earth," the screen said. I mean it didn't really say that, screens don't talk, unless they come with built in speakers, but this one didn't.

"Earth," the fat man, whose name was Fred said. "How delightful. I shall enjoy crushing it like I crush beer cans on my fat forehead." He laughed to himself diabolically. "Hee-hee."

End of Chapter One


	2. Something Stupid This Way Comes

God Awful! The Wurld's Wurst Jimy Newtron Phan Fik.

(Please note, that title was recently nominated for the Title With the Most Misspellings Award.)

Chapter Two: Nobody Here But Us Snausages

WARNING! This Chapter is rated NC-82.

-It is not recommended for children under age 82 for it contains profanity, old lady kicking, profanity, decapitated heads, profanity, full fontal nudity, profanity, full backal nudity, profanity, violence, profanity, questionable morals, profanity, global warming, profanity, a dead platypus with buzzing flies, profanity, and profanity.

--

At the Candy Store, Sheen and Britney said at a cozy candlelit booth, gazing into each other's bloodshot eyes.

"I love you, my precious kumquat" Sheen said with passion.

"Oh, honey, and I love you two, my Super Sheen," Brittney replied with equal passion.

Sam brought their order over. Britany was having a chocolate malt, Sheen a Miller's Lite. Sheen chugged his beer down like that man he was. Britnay sipped her malt, sounding like a giant calf at a huge udder.

They both sighed with contentment.

"Oh, baby, there's nothing that could ever make me stop loving you," Sheen said, and kissed Britny on the mouth. Then on her nose. Her chin. The tip of each cute pigtail. Her right eye, her left eye, her upper right molar, the left elbow, her big toe, and finally, her navel. "I love your navel too."

"I wore my pink top just for you," Britney said.

"What are you talking about, you always wear that top!"

"I always wear it for you," Britney said.

Sheen grinned. "Oh kiss me, you fool!"

"Don't call me a fool," Britney said, but kissed Sheen all the same. "Shine honey," Britney said. "I have something very important I want to tell you."

"What's that?" Sheen asked.

"I think I'm pregnant," Britnay said.

"WHAT?!" Sheen howled. He picked up the vanilla malt and threw it at Britany's face. "You BLEEP! How could you do this to me?"

"I do this to you?!" Britney cried out. She hurled Sheen's beer glass at him, striking him in the face and knocking out several teeth. "Excuse me, if I remember sex education right it takes TWO people to become pregnant!"

"Don't talk to me about sex education, you BLEEP!" Sheen shoved Britny to the floor. "I slept through it all."

"Well you certainly weren't sleeping about – oh – three months ago, you BLEEP!" Britney screamed, picking up a chair and smashing it over Sheen's skull.

"And how the BLEEP could you be pregnant? You're only eleven years old, for crying out loud!"

"Do you really want me to go into the details?" Britney cried out loud. "I don't know if I can because there are children present and you can't do that on this web site!"

"Wait a sec. Hold the phone, hold the phone, hold the phone," Sheen said, dazed. "Britney, why are you telling me this? You're not my girlfriend, Janelle is."

Brittney lowered her nuclear cannon. "Who?"

"Janelle!" Sheen said. "You know, sits behind Libby, long brown hair, bright blue eyes, cute little nose, fun little freckles, a slight overbite, and a body that would make a blind man blush!"

"Oh yeah," Britney said. "You're right Sheen! How silly of me. I wonder who my boyfriend is then?"

At that moment Nick walked into the Candy Shop with his skateboard balanced on his head.

"Nick!" Brittnay pointed a finger at Nick.

"Why does this keep happening to me?" Nick shouted and fled, Britney in hot pursuit with her bazooka.

"Hey, Freak Boy," Sam said, walking up. "I'll thank you to not destroy my restaurant!!"

"Go to BLEEP, Fat Man, I'll do what I want when I want where I want and with whom I want, see?" Sheen said, and strolled out into the street, knocking down a little old lady who was just coming into the shop and kicking a stray dog.

--

Meanwhile, back at the park, Cindy awakened Jimmy with a wet slobbery kiss.

Jimmy looked up, gazing into her dazzling blue eyes. "Wow, Cindy, what a way to wake up!"

"Come on, you great big hunk of a man, we're going to be late for school."

"What about making out?"

"We can make out at recess," Cindy said.

"Sounds like a plan to me!" Jimmy said with ghusto.

At the Amelia Earhart Elementary School everyone was chattering in the classroom until the teacher, Mister Jensen, walked in. "Let's quiet down, gang," he said. "We've got a lot to cover today. First a couple announcements. Principal Willoughby would like the gymnasium returned. Couch Gruber asks that anyone interested in participating in the Fourteenth Annual Retroville Rotten Melon Toss to see him after lunch. And finally, coming up this Friday don't forget we're having the Totally Pointless Grade School Dance. So find a date and have some fun."

"Excellent," Jimmy said with glee. "A chance to make out with Cindy."

"Ready to dance my sweets?" Sheen said to Janelle.

"Oh, I'm certainly ready, my sweethart," Janelle replied, and batted her long eyelashes.

"And are you ready Nick?" Britney said with a menacing glare.

"Sorry, baby, I already asked Libby," Nick replied.

"Oh! Trying to steal my man, are you Libby?" Britnay asked.

"And what if I am, thunder thighs?" Libby responded and stuck out her tongue.

"What?!" Brittney cried and leapt to her feet.

"Relax, babes, there's more than enough of me to go around," Nick told them. "As it is, I already asked Betty and she said yes. But I'll spare some time for you two hotties." The two girls sighed.

Carl fidgeted in his desk. Who was he going to take to the dance? Elke was hundreds of miles away in Germany and Judy was married to Hugh. If only there was some way to get rid of Hugh on Friday night.

"Get rid of Hugh?" Carl thought to himself, then shouted out "Brain Blast!"

The class looked at him.

"Sorry Mister Carson," Carl apologized, "I – uh – sneezed."

"Oh, I see Carl," Mister Rodriguez said.

Carl had an idea. An awful idea. Carl got a wonderful, awful idea! And he smiled to himself, looking at the picture of Judy and Hugh with Carl's face taped onto it. "You're days are numbered, you ridiculous pie loving duck freak," Carl said to himself, and laughed diabolically. "Hee-hee."

For Show and Tell Carl showed his prized Lego lama, Ike his prized Terminator sunglasses, Butch his prized brass knuckles, Britney her prized belly button ring, Amber her prized liverwurst, Libby her prized macrame portrait of Cary Grant, and Sheen his prized potato chip in the shape of Ultralord's right kneecap.

"And you Jimmy?" Miss Fowl asked. "You always have such interesting Show and Tells."

"Thank you, Miss Fowl," Jimmy said. "Ladies and gentlemen, for my Show and Tell I'll need the use of a cell phone. Can I borrow yours Libby?"

Libby laughed ferociously. "James! You know I don't even own a cell phone!"

"You can use my cell phone, Jimmy," Janelle said and fluttered her long lashes.

"Thanks, Janelle, you sweety," Jimmy said.

Cindy frowned. "That stupid Janelle," Cindy thought, "Always trying to steal my man!"

Jimmy took out a small device and set the cell phone in it. "I present to you my greatest invention ever!"

"Ooo! Again!" Janelle squealed.

Cindy frowned. "That stupid Janelle," she thought, "Always trying to steal my man!"

"The Newtronic Television Communicator!" Jimmy announced haphazardly.

"Astounding!" Sheen cried ridiculously. "What's it do Jim?"

"This astounding device will allow anyone to communicate with the characters on television," Jimmy explained wonderfully.

"Oh Jimmy!" Janelle shrieked dumbfoundedly. "Let me talk to Alex Trebek of Jeopardy!"

"No way Janelle!" Sheen said suddenly. "Ultraman!"

"Jimmy! Jimmy!" Carl cried ostentatiously. "I wanna chat with Lamaboy!"

"Jimmy! I want to talk to Seven of Nine on Babylon Five!" Ike said mindlessly.

"Let's talk to Colonel Klink of Hogan's Heroes!" Butch demanded ignorantly.

"I want to talk to Blue of Blue's Clues!" Libby said harmoniously.

"Jimmy, can I talk to Hulk Hogan of One Life to Live?" Cindy asked religiously.

"Calm down everyone!" Jimmy said. "The NTC is very demanding on a cell phone's battery. I think we may only be able to talk to about three people before the battery fails. What's more, it has to be a show that's ON."

The mysterious Janelle put a hand to the tiny transmitter in her ear. "Agent 41, do you read me?" came that Fat Man's thick voice.

"Loud and clear," Janelle thought back. The transmitter read minds.

"Earth's time has come," the Fat Man said. "Execute Plan Alpha Omega 34912."

"Confirmed," Janelle thought and leapt onto her desk, ripping off her clothes. The class gaped at her.

"Janelle!" Sheen said, giving six thumbs up, but don't ask me how. "Way to go baby!"

That stupid Janelle, Britney thought, always trying to steal my man. Then Britney corrected herself. Sheen wasn't her man, was he?

But Janelle wasn't naked. Beneath her red and yellow polka-dotted dress with the faux fox fur lining she wore skin tight black leather. She looked like – you know, that one girl in the Matrix movies? That falls in love with Neo? And says "Dodge this!" and fires a bullet point blank into an Agent's head? And she could leap buildings in a single bound? And got shot in the second one and almost killed? Ah yes, Trinity was her name, named after the first atomic bomb test, my pet schnauzer, my pet yak, my pet rock, my pet chimpanzee, my pet platypus, the guy next door's purple turnip, the gal next door's yellow Kleenex box, the world famous luxury liner, the first man to step foot into Hoyboyken, New Jersey, and Trinity Howsenwosen, the inventor of the self-inflating television.

Still, it was a site to see, for an 11 year old.

"Hee hee!" Janelle laughed diabolically. "Look upon me ye mighty and despair! For I am your worst nightmare come to reality!" She whipped out a fearsome looking gun and pointed it at Jimmy.

To her embarrassment, Jimmy laughed. "Hee hee! Janelle I had you pegged for a villain all along!"

"Curse you Jimmy," Janelle cursed. "You are too clever for us naughty people!"

"Do you really think you have a chance, the slightest chance, of defeating me, THE JIMMY NEUTRON, destroyer of worlds, with the brain the size of a planet and an IQ of 200, probably much more?"

"Talk about cocky!" Cindy said. Libby nodded.

"Actions speak louder than words!" Janelle said, and pulled the trigger. The gun sputtered and turned into a limp snausage, which Goddard flew by and ate. "My killozap gun!" Janelle cried in anguish.

"Fool!" Jimmy cried in triumph.

"I'm so confused!" Carl cried in despair.

"Real men don't cry in any way!" Sheen cried like a man.

"Janelle to the Fat Man!" Janelle thought. "Plan failed. Suggest plan B!"

"Don't we always have to go to Plan B?" the Fat Man sighed and pushed a big red button.

The roof of the school was torn off and 3502 heavily armed Megashock troops descended from the sky on jetpacks.

"There goes the roof again!" Miss Fowl cried. "What will the Board of Education say? That's twelve roofs this week!"

Before Jimmy could react the Megashock troops had each student gripped by the neck, some by the ankles, and Britney by her cute navel, though don't ask me how on earth they did that. A holographic display of the Fat Man appeared in the middle of the classroom.

"So we meet again, Jimmy Neutron," the Fat Man said.

"What are you talking about?" Jimmy asked. "I've never seen you before in my life!"

"My bad," the Fat Man said. "Now I have all your little friends by the throats! Surrender and I won't be merciful; I'll devour you anyway, but with mayonnaise instead of mustard."

For he was THE Fat Man, Devourer of Worlds. His only goal, a gluttony of life for him and death for all others. He ate matter like a man who likes to eat matter. Sentient beings he thought good, and he ate them canned, honey-dipped, or over easy. Suns, black holes, supernovas, planets, asteroids, entire civilizations all fell before him and none could stand in his way. Soon the entire galaxy would be in his belly. Talk about indigestion! Get that man some Tums!

Jimmy didn't hesitate. He knew he must save his friends or perish. He pushed the big red button on the Neutronic Television Communicator and everyone in the room disappeared, leaving the Megashock troops empty handed.

"Don't you hate when that happens?" one of the soldiers asked.

"Curses, foiled again," Janelle said.

"As long as that Jimmy Neutron lives" the Fat Man wheezed "I cannot devour in peace. Bring me his ridiculously large head on a platter, Janelle. And you shall be rewarded with luxuries beyond your wildest dreams."

"I have some pretty wild dreams," Janelle said, grinning like a lunatic. "Like swimming in a vat of pudding."

"Wasn't that Sheen's dream?"

"I dunno. I thought it was the Copbot's punishment."

"I'm so confused."

"I don't really know, nor care," the Fat Man said. "After them!"

Janelle keyed the keypad on her arm. Dimensional warpways littered the classroom like old lifesavers wrappers after a Tomb Raider Convention. Janelle triggered a warpway and leapt into it.

"So who's up for some McSpanky's?" the Fat Man asked his Megashock troops.

"Oo, me! Me!" they replied.

"Excuse me sir, but aren't you a hologram?"

"Yes, but I'm on my way to earth. Traffic near the Quentari Nebula is atrocious!"

--

Who IS the mysterious Janelle?

Where DID everyone go?

Why ARE there several different teachers in the classroom?

None of this may EVER be revealed in the next ridiculous installment of GOD AWFUL, the World's Liverwurst Fan Fic!

--

Comments and Reviews very welcome, but please don't say it's Stanky Bodanky.


	3. What An Interesting Turn of Events

God Awful, Chapter Whatever. What an Interesting Turn of Events.

WARNING: This chapter contains what I believe is called a "Slash Pairing." And sexual innuendo, menudo, cookie dough, window, Mexico, Speedo, Play-doh, Rambo, Waldo, Dan-o, Cujo, "Doh!"

--

"Hey, dude, are you all right?" came a voice.

Jimmy opened his eyes and sat up. A freckled blonde teenager who looked vaguely familiar was looking at him. Then he noticed something strange. "My depth!" Jimmy cried. "It's gone! Am I in Dimmsdale?"

"Dimmsdale?" the boy asked. "Never heard of it!" A small pink creature popped out of the boy's pocket and said "Dimmsdale? Nuh-uh!"

Jimmy gasped. "What is that?"

"A naked mole rat," came a girl's voice. Jimmy turned around to see a cute redheaded girl standing behind him. "I've never heard of Dimmsdale, this is Middleton."

"Middleton!" Jimmy stood up. "Kim Possible! The Neutronic Television Communicator Emergency Escape System worked! But where is everyone else?"

"You know, that's quite an impressive sized head you have there," Ron said.

"Thanks," Jimmy said. "I get that all the time. I'm Jimmy Neutron. And you're Ron Stoppable."

Ron happily shook hands. "Check it out, Kim, someone knows my name for a change!"

"That's great Ron!" Kim said. "I'm Kim Possible."

"Everyone knows you Kim," Jimmy said. "You can do anything!"

"You've been to my website?"

"No, but I've seen your show."

"Show?"

"You may not believe me when I say this," Jimmy explained, "But where I come from 'Kim Possible' is a television show on the popular Disney Channel. (Home to the great Hannah Montana and High School Musical. Check out Hannah Monatana in 3-D! And High School Musical 3 coming soon to a theater near you, staring the very lovely and talented Ashley Tisdale, who I hear is currently looking for a boyfriend. If so please contact Snazzo at this location. (Shameless Disney Plug.))

"Cool, Kim," Ron said, "They made a television show about us! Who plays me? Brad Pitt? Ernest Borgninge? Marlon Brando? Farrah Fawcett? Bo Derek? Rupert Grint? Issac Hayes? Steven Hawking? Sir Alec Guinness? Steven Spielberg? Or am I computer generated?"

"So you are, what? From another dimension?" Kim asked. "And what did you mean, 'Where is everyone else?'"

"Another dimension. Yes, you could say that. Retroville," Jimmy said. "Wow, you're taking this remarkably well."

"When your arch enemy is a mad scientist named Doctor Drakken you get used to a lot of weird stuff."

"Hey!" Ron exclaimed. "This must be like that time when we fell into the television shows Kim!"

"Oh yeah," Jimmy agreed. "I remember that episode."

"Are there no original ideas left?!" Ron cried out.

"Ron, focus," Kim said, then turned to Jimmy. "Back to 'Everyone else.' Is this an invasion of some sort? You look too young to be a threat though."

"Not if he head butt's you with that big head," Ron pointed out.

"No," Jimmy said. "Retroville was being invaded though, by the dread Fat Man and his evil Megashock troops, to say nothing about the beautiful but deadly Janelle."

"I thought you never saw the Fat Man before in your life?" Ron asked.

"How'd you know that?" Jimmy asked in return.

Ron shrugged. "It was an inspired guess."

Kim looked alarmed though. "Megashock troops! They're not coming here, are they?"

"I hope not," Jimmy replied.

"That fills me with confidence," Ron said.

"Are you up for a mission, Kim?" Jimmy asked. "I could use your help in this world. We've got to find my friends and somehow stop the Fat Man back in Retroville."

"Well," Kim said, "I'm between classes right now, so sure, why not?"

"Booyah!" Ron exclaimed. "Is that how you spell it? Or is it Boo-Yeah? BewYah?"

"My Neutronic Television Communicator should have brought the entire class here," Jimmy said, looking at the device hooked up to Janelle's cell phone.

"A communicator?" Kim asked. "Maybe its compatible with my Kimunicator." She pulled out her small device and hooked it up to Jimmy's. "Come in Wade, are you there?"

Wade appeared on the small screen as Jimmy looked on. "Wow, Wade, it's a pleasure to meet you. You're almost as smart as me!"

Wade sat down the pop he was sipping. "Almost? ALMOST?! Why you low down good for nothing pie-slinging, baby eating, big-headed, swine-nosed, heckle-proof horse thief! I'll reach through this screen and beat you savagely about the face, neck, and ankles with a limp Snausage for that!"

"Wade," Kim interrupted, "You two can discuss IQs later. Can you analyze this piece of alien – excuse me – transdimensional technology for me?"

"Sure, give me a second," Wade said.

Roofus came out of Ron's pocket again, rand down, and sniffed at Jimmy's shoes. "You must have a pet too!" Ron said.

"Nuh-uh," Roofus squeaked. "Robot."

Jimmy nodded. "Roofus is right. I have a mechanical canine named Goddard. I wish he was here, he'd be a lot of help. I hope he's all right. But I know he'll give those Megashock troops a run for their money. Goddard has 13,000 weapons at his disposal."

"Well, Roofus has his sharp teeth," Ron said, "And his mighty muscles. He's got us out of numerous scrapes!"

Roofus put up his dukes and squeaked impressively.

"Kim," Wade reported, "There's a strange tracer on the cell phone. But Jimmy's device has a very elaborate firewall. I'd tip my hat, if I wore won."

"Thanks Wade!" Jimmy said.

"It took me two minutes to crack it," Wade continued.

"WHAT?!" Jimmy shouted. "You pierced my firewall? Why you low-down, good-for-nothing, haystack-eating, jump-roping, snarfquesting, Pogo-sticking, paper-cutting banana thief! Smile when you say that!"

Wade grinned. "I AM smiling. About that IQ challenge …"

"Wade, focus," Kim said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey!" Jimmy said, pointing. "My girlfriend Libby rolls her eyes all the time. It really turns me on!"

"Anyway," Wade resumed, "Reading the log, when Jimmy pressed the Transport button rather than bringing the entire class here to Middleton, they were scattered across Cable via Wireless. I'll have to work some more on getting their proper coordinates."

Jimmy frowned. "So Cindy, Libby, Britney, Amber, Carl and Sheen are lost somewhere in cable television."

"Been there, done it," Ron said. "Don't worry about it Jim! They'll be fine. We had a blast, except when that Teletubby sat on us."

"Yes, don't worry Jim," Kim agreed. "We'll find them. How many channels are we talking here? When Ron and I were in TVLand it was about forty maybe."

"Well," Jimmy said, "Retroville was once hooked up to the Galactic Cable Network so, um, it's somewhere in the vicinity of … oh … just a little shy of … er … at best guest, perhaps, in the vicinity of, in the neighborhood of, a billion channels."

"A billion?" Ron asked.

"That's … oh … just a little more than a million Ron," Kim explained.

"Uh-oh!" Roofus said.

"I knew that," Ron laughed. "Or did I?"

"Do what you can Wade," Kim said to Ron. "In the meantime, let's start looking." Kim dialed up channel One and pressed Transport. Jimmy, Ron, Roofus, and Kim disappeared.

--

"Well, this is indeed an interesting turn of events, isn't it Fred?" George asked.

"Yessireee Bob," Fred answered.

"The name is George, not Bob, Fred," George said.

"Ah, yes," Fred said, slapping his forehead with his elbow. "It looks like, it just might be, why yes it is! The beginning of a plot perhaps!"

"Yes, but not a particular good or original one, I am very much afraid to say," George said, shaking his head like a bowl full of jelly.

"Don't be afraid, George," Fred said. "Sticks and stone may break your bones, and an atomic bomb might vaporize you, but words shouldn't frighten you."

"What about the word? BOO!" George asked.

"EEK!" Fred screamed like a little a cheerleader. A beautiful blond one that looked strangely like Ashley Tisdale. "Crikey! Now I've gone and wet 'em!"

"Well, back to the story."

--

Amber and Britney fell to the floor. The stood up and looked around. They appeared to be in an office of some sort.

"I have a feeling we're not in Retroville anymore," Amber said.

"This has Neutron's stink all over it," Britney said, stamping her little foot.

"Where are we?" Amber asked.

"And why does it look so boring?" Britney asked. She walked over to the door. "It's locked Amber! We're trapped in a windowless room! We may DIE here!! If not from hunger than sheer boredom!"

"Oh, I can think of a few things to do to keep busy so we're not bored," Amber said, smiling at Britney with a Come Hither Look.

Britney gasped. "R-really? You? And Me? You'd like to try that? But we're girls!"

Amber took off her glasses. "Who cares, Britney, it's 2008 not 1408. And, this just in, Gay Marriage has been legalized in three states so far. Many more to come."

"Well, since you put it that way, come here and kiss me you beautiful bespectacled babe!" Britney demanded.

"I just took my glasses off, Britney," Amber said, "So I'm not bespectacled anymore. But I'll kiss you all the same."

Amber and Britney moved towards each other, smiling, hesitant. Britney licked her lips, thinking "Well at least Amber won't make me pregnant." Amber licked her lips, thinking, "I wonder who's on Oprah tonight?" Their passion rising, they inched closer together, trembling with desire and passion and hunger and anticipation and intrigue and fear and angst and more angst and a bit more angst, until –

"Stop it! Stop it!" a man with a mustache wearing a military uniform burst into the room. Through the door, I mean, not through the wall. Though that can happen. And the man was wearing the military uniform, not his mustache. Just wanted to be clear on that, in case I wasn't clear, just had to clear that up, clear? "I'll have none of that nasty nawtiness on my watch!" the Colonel barked. "Lesbians on the Internet? It's disgraceful! And you're only eleven years old, for crying out loud."

"I'm going to be twelve next Gooseberry!" Amber said defiantly.

"I don't care, young lady," the Colonel reprimanded. "What would Ernest Hemmingway say? Would he say "My grunch had an eggplant but it's hardware store was pink?" NO! I don't think so at least, not unless he had one too many beers, and even then it would be very unlikely."

"Who ARE you?" Britney asked. "Where ARE we? What HAPPENED to the classroom? What WAS that Fat Man thing? What DID Janelle do? What DID Jimmy do? What IS going on? Why AM I capitalizing every second word? Would SOMEONE please tell me what's happening?"

"Nope, Nope, no time for that young lady," the Colonel said. "Now, no one loves a lesbian as much as I do, except for the boys in U Division, the Second Light Infantry, most guys on the Internet, and Ellen. She just got married you know."

"You don't say!" Amber asked in amazement.

"I DO say," the Colonel said.

"Now DON'T you start that too!" Britney said, idly picking her ear.

"Yes, beautiful wedding. Can you imagine that? Two women! Legally married! Madly in love! To say nothing of the Nawty Bits. Why in my day a woman married a man and you were ordered to live happily ever after under penalty of having a rabid skunk put down your shorts. Nowadays, anything goes. Call that progress? I just don't know. But I'm rambling. Let's have a good clean sketch about good clean decent people for a change."

Suddenly a man was sitting at a desk. "And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks."

The Colonel barged into that set. "I said GOOD, CLEAN, AND DECENT!" He cried, batting the newscaster about the head with his bullwhip. "What part of that didn't you understand?!" The Colonel left.

The newscaster climbed back into his chair. "And now for something completely different, a café near Bolton."

Britney and Amber found themselves sitting in a small café. "Britney," Amber asked, "Now where are we?"

"I'm not sure," Britney answered. "But I'd hazard a guess we're in a small café near Bolton."

"Britney," Amber asked nervously "Doesn't it strike you as ODD that we're even here at all."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, to be quite blunt, we're not that important," Amber said.

"Huh?"

"Britney, don't go blond on me," Amber said.

"What are you talking about? You're blond yourself!" Britney shot back.

"Yeah, but I wear these granny glasses, so the audience knows I'm smart. And I've never said "like." Awk! I just said it!"

"Like, I don't get your point," Britney said.

"What I'm trying to say is we're minor characters. NPCs in Dungeons and Dragons terms. Bit parts. Supporting actresses, if that. I don't know if ANYONE has ever written a fanfic about us. I only ever spoke in Who's Your Momma?"

"Aw, don't feel bad, Amber," Britney said, patting Amber on the hand. "I had that great musical number in Funky Jam Dance Party With Some Science." Britney looked down, the put her hand on Amber's. "At least we can do this, I think."

"Morning!" a waitress said suddenly. "What'll you have?"

"Oh!" Amber said. "I AM feeling a bit peckish."

"Peckish?"

"That's English for 'Hungry.'"

"I thought Hungry was English for Hungry."

"Well," the waitress said, "We've got egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam!"

"Have you got anything without spam in it?" Britney asked. "Spam goes right to my girlish tummy. I want to keep my cute navel cute, and my six pack abs rock hard."

"Britney!" Amber laughed. "You're too young to have a six pack! A one pack maybe, or a half pack, maybe a quarter pack."

"A quarterback?" Britney laughed. "Oh my! How about a tight end?" Britney turned around and shook her little fanny. Both girls giggled.

Suddenly an announcer appeared in front of a screen. "These are the words NOT to be used again in this fanfic for cheap laughs," he said.

F-NNY

B--GERS

F-RT

SEMPRINI

"Semprini?" Britney asked.

"I said don't use them!" The announcer cried. A gigantic foot came down from the ceiling and kicked Britney out of the news studio set and back into the café.

The waitress continued as if nothing had happened. " Well, there's spam, egg, sausage and spam. That's not got much spam in it."

"I don't want any spam," Britney said.

"Why can't you have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?" Amber asked.

"That's got spam in it!" Britney said.

"Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam," Amber noted.

"Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?" Britney asked the waitress.

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam … spam, spam, spam, spam … lovely spam, wonderful spam!

"You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam," the waitress said.

"Why not?"

"No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon spam and sausage, would it?"

"I don't want any spam!" Britney cried, tears flowing down her cheeks like the mighty Mississippi flows down the United States midsection.

"Shh, don't make a fuss, Britney," Amber said. "I'll have your spam. I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam!"

"Baked beans are off," the waitress said.

"Well can I have spam instead?" Amber asked.

"You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam?" the waitress asked.

"Yes," Amber said.

"Okay," the waitress said. "But only if you two girls come on a camping holiday with me."

"She asked us! She asked us!" Amber and Britney cried with joy.

The Vikings began another round of the world famous Spam song, had a Spam shot put, carved elaborate sculptures of John Travolta out of Spam, made Spamwiches, Spamburgers, Spam and Eggs, Spam and Shrimp, Spam and Potatoes, Spam and Lima Beans, Spam and Pancakes, Spam and Kumquats and … and … that's about it.

--

Where is everybody else? Where did the mysterious and strangely flatulent Janelle go? Where's the fish? What time is it? Why do we call Rush Hour "Rush Hour" when everyone sits in traffic?

Will any of these questions ever be answered? Will this fanfic ever get finished? Or will the author suddenly one day die of gangrene? Or worse yet, gang-purlple-and-pink-polka-dots?

Tune out soon for the next somewhat exciting, increasingly stupid, and utterly bizarre chapter of GOD AWFUL, the World's Worstechire Sauce Jimmy Atom Fanfic.

--

Comments and Reviews very welcome, but PLEASE no matter how much you want to, no matter how much I deserve it, DON'T say it's Stanky Bodanky.

--

I note now that other Authors say this, so I guess it's standard procedure. Snazzo does not own Jimmy Neutron, Kim Possible, Monty Python, or Forrest Gump. Nor does he own a pink T-shirt, a feather boa, a lawn flamingo, or a singing fish wall plaque. He DOES however own a Frog that Belches the National Anthem, a Statue of a Lady With a Clock Where Her Stomach Ought to Be, one of Elvis' Burps, and an Authentic Autographed Glow-in-the Dark Lucky Snorkle.


	4. Putting the S in Stupid

GOD AWFUL! The World's Worst Jimmy Neutron FanFic

Chapter Pi: When Pigs Fly

--

This Chapter dedicated to Paris, Britney, Ashley, Brianna, Hilary, Misty, Babe, Boober, Bender, Lara, Mary, and the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic.

--

Meanwhile, just a few seconds from now, in a galaxy just down the street, Sheen and Libby fell to the floor.

"What was that?" Sheen asked. "The weather here, very peculiar!"

"Where are we? What were those Megashock troops?" Libby asked.

"Intruder alert!" Captain Janeway declared. Tuvok stabbed his screen and a force field went up around Sheen and Libby.

Sheen's jaw dropped and his eye twitched. Libby picked up his jaw and set it back in place after dusting it off. "We're aboard the Starship Voyager!" Sheen exclaimed. "And look! SEVEN OF NINE! She's one of the most bodacious babes on all of television!" Across the bridge, standing at a console, the blond Borg stood, looking radiant in a skin tight silver suit and high heels. Sheen blew Seven a kiss. "You won't find me resisting, Seven Baby! You can assimilate me all night long if you want!"

Libby smacked Sheen upside the head with a nearby rubber toenail clipper and his jaw came off again. "YOU can pick up your own jaw for that crack, sugar dumpling."

"Tukok," Janeway asked with phaser drawn, "There's something I have long wondered. How can our starship shields absorb a phaser blast and deflect the explosion of a photon torpedo, but they continually fail to keep intruders off of my bridge."

"That is indeed illogical," Tuvok answered.

"You know what else is illogical?" Sheen asked. "No one Star Trek ship EVER has had seat belts. Not Kirk, not Piccard, not Janeway, not Archer. You guys wouldn't be bouncing all over the place with a seatbelt."

"We do have inertial dampeners," Tuvok explained.

Libby tugged at Sheen's sleeve. "Sheen! Don't antagonize these people! They're big, weird, and they have laser pistols."

"Phasers!" everyone said, including Sheen.

"Relax, Libby, I'm sure they're set to Stun."

Tom Paris was scanning the two with a tricorder. "They're human children, a 13-year-old hyperactive male of Mexican descent, suffering from attention deficit disorder, too much sugar and pollution intake, and a nervous twitch."

"Wow," Sheen said, "Is there anything those tricorders can't do?"

"Well," Paris admitted, "They have yet to find a girlfriend for Ensign Kim."

"Tom!" Kim said with a frown, "Don't press your luck."

"What the score Kim?" Tom said, grinning. "A Borg? A Hologram? And a Dead Girl?"

"You forget a dangerous terrorist pilot," Kim added.

"Gentlemen," Janeway said, "As interesting as your love lives are, we have more pressing matters here."

"They are unarmed Captain," Paris continued. "And this girl here is a 12 year old music lover of Egyptian descent."

"Well, you did get the age right," Libby said, "But if you need to look at a little computer to see that I'm black, I'm not too impressed."

"Why are you here?" Janeway asked.

"We wish we knew," Libby said sadly.

"Hey Seven," Sheen shouted. "How a private tour of this ship, you and me. You could show me the sights."

Tom grinned and looked back at Seven. Tuvok raised an eyebrow.

"I am … uncomfortable with children," Seven said.

"Well Seven," Sheen said, "I know some good massage techniques that will help make you comfortable."

Libby hit him with a nearby rubber chicken, knocking his eyebrow off.

"Libby, how did you do that? I don't even have eyebrows!!" Sheen exclaimed in astonished astonishment.

"Hey, you're right," Libby said. "I'll knock your spleen out then." Libby knocked Sheen's spleen out with a convenient rubber pogo stick. "Now behave yourself Sheen! Besides I thought you and Janelle had a thing going." Libby hesitated. "Or was it Britney?"

"Babe, I lose track." Sheen grinned. Libby hit him with a nearby rubber kumquat.

"Well," Janeway said, "The male obviously needs some medical attention. See to it and then confine them to the brig."

"The brig?" Ensign Kim spoke up. "Captain, they're just children. Wouldn't the school be a better location?"

"I'm taking no chances with children who can suddenly appear on our bridge no matter how simple they look. Tuvok, escort them there and arrange an armed guard."

"Yes Captain," Tuvok said.

"We're going to jail?" Libby said. "But we didn't do anything wrong! One minute troops were descending on our school, the next we're here!"

"Don't panic, Libby, this is Starfleet. The United Federation of Planets. The good guys. You'll like their brig. It's a five star hotel compared to the Junkman's smelly brig. Ten stars compared to King Goobot's dungeon. Twenty stars compared to the South Retroville Rehabilitation Facility."

"Sheen, I had no idea you were such a hardened criminal!" Libby said.

"We may take that into account when we decide what to do with you," Tuvok said, gesturing with the phaser. "Please walk this way."

"If I could walk that way!-" Sheen began but Libby knocked out his Hilary Duff with a nearby rubber Anna Nichole Smith.

"Just one moment Tuvok," Captain Janeway said and approached. She knelt a little to look at Sheen and Libby and then smiled gently. "So you've heard of us and you think we're the good guys. That does sound promising. I hate to shuttle you off the bridge so quickly, but Neelix and the Doctor will meet you in the brig and we do have pressing matters here to tend to." She stood up and said "Seven!"

The viewscreen came on, showing streaking stars behind the ship's engines. In the distance and in pursuit, but not far enough away were three Borg Cubes.

"The Borg!" Sheen said in awe. "Oo, are they saying it?"

Janeway nodded grimly. "Hailing frequency."

"WE ARE THE BORG. PREPARE TO BE BOARDED. YOUR LIVES, AS YOU KNOW THEM, ARE OVER. FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD YOU WILL SERVICE US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."

"So, children, we'll talk as soon as we deal with these pesky Borg."

"Bye Seven of Nine!" Sheen waved as Tuvok urged them out of the Bridge. "If you have the time, come see me in the brig! I'll be there all night!"

--

Meanwhile, back in Retrotown. "Hey (Rhymes with Witch!)" Hugh hollered. "Where's my (Rhymes with Pod Jam) meal, you (Ryhmes with Car Door?)"

"Right here, Banana Brain," Judy said, setting down a plate of Holy Macaroni and Cheeses of Nazareth.

"Now that's more like it, (Rhymes with Gut!)" Hugh said, rubbing his hands and smacking his lips obscenely. He took a bite, his eyes wide as saucers, his nose big as a balloon. "What?! No sauerkraut? What's up with that, you (Rhymes with Horrific, Rhymes with Apple, Rhymes with Zelda, Rhymes with Urban Renewal, Rhymes with Wankle-Rotary Engine, Rhymes with Constitution, Rhymes with Orange, Rhymes with Zipo the Pinhead!)"

"Hugh," Judy said, "You're acting so strange this afternoon."

"Well, acting grossly out of character is standard procedure for a God Awful fanfic," Hugh explained.

"Say! You're right!" Judy agreed. "In that case, I want a divorce. I'm seeing another man, you silly light blighter."

"What?!" Hugh cried. "Who is this imbecile?"

"Here he is!" Judy said with a flourish.

"Yeah!" Sam said, coming out of the living room, giving the thumbs up sign. "Judy is totally hawt, especially when we bathe together in hot fudge and applesauce!"

"Oh yeah?" Hugh shot back. "Well I'm seeing another woman!"

Grandma Taters came out of the fridge. "Hello dearies! Oh we have such a good time together!"

"Oh yeah?" Judy exclaimed. "Well I'm seeing another another man!"

Corky Shimatzu came out of the toaster. "Judy is super crazy!" he said.

"Oh yeah?" Hugh said. "Well I'm seeing another another woman!"

Mombot came out of the floor. "Hello, Hugh darling. Moon pie?"

"Pie!!" Hugh gobbled the pie down. "Oh, my darling, that's the magic word!"

"Oh yeah?" Judy continued. "I'm seeing another another another man!"

"Hello!" the Junkman said, coming out of the microwave, giving Judy a peck on her cheek.

"Not only does he have four arms, and four eyes, he has four … other things of great importance." Judy explained.

Hugh gasped, his eyes wide as Hurricane Zelda. "Surely you don't mean-?" Hugh asked.

"No, I don' t mean THAT" Judy laughed. "This is rated T for teen after all. I mean he has four smelly armpits. Armpits drive me insane with lust! Oh and don't call me Shirley."

"Don't call me Shirley either!" A voice boomed out. It was the Villain Whose Name Wasn't Shirley! Crashing through the wall and embracing Judy in a bone crushing embrace. "Hello, honey, I'm home!"

"You?!" Hugh cried. "You too? Well, I'm plum out of women, so I'm seeing another man!"

"Hello all!" Principal Willoughby pranced out of the oven, giving Hugh a peck on the cheek.

"And so on and so on and so on," George Washington said. "Meanwhile, back in TV Land."

--

_Here's the story, of a lovely lady! Who was bringing up three very lovely girls!  
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in … a ponytail._

"What's going on?" Cindy cried, looking about her. "Why am I in this little black box? What happened to the classroom? Who are you people?" Immediately above her were two other young girls, also in black boxes, and indeed both of them were blond.

_Here's the story, of a man named Brady! Who was busy with three boys of his own!  
They were four men, living all together, but they were all alone.  
Then one day when the lady met this fella, they knew it was much more than a hunch,  
That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch!_

"What a lame song!" Cindy complained. She suddenly found herself in a living room. "And what a tacky house! Who the heck did the interior design around here?"

A ball came sailing into the room, knocked a vase off of table, destroying it, and hit Cindy squarely on the nose. "Oh! My nose!" Cindy cried.

"Mom always said, don't play ball in the house!" Bobby Brady said, coming into the room.

"I'm doomed!" Peter cried, looking at the broken vase. "Dad will beat me with a rubber high school mascot goat!"

"No, that was in the last section," Cindy said, holding her nose. "And who cares about the vase, what about my nose? And who are you people?"

"Cindy?" Peter looked concerned. "Did the ball hit you in the head? We're your stepbrothers, Peter and Bobby."

"Yeah, Cindy," Bobby said. "Didn't you listen to the song?"

"WHAT?!" Cindy cried with horror and alarm. "This has Neutron's stink all over it. I'm going to kill him!"

Alice the maid came into the living room. Peter and Bobby immediately stood very close together, hiding the broken vase. "Hey gang! Who wants to go down to Sam the Butcher's Shop and pick up a four pounds of pound cake?"

Peter and Bobby didn't want to move, revealing their crime. So they both said "Cindy does!"

"No I don't!"

"Great, Cindy. And pick up some ice for that nose of yours, it's swelling and turning black and blue! You're starting to look like Jimmy Durante!"

"Ha-cha-cha!" Jimmy Durante said, coming out of the den and tipping his hat. "Everybody wants to get into the act!"

"I am so confused," Cindy groaned.

--

Will things go from bad to worse? How can they become much worse? Is it really over for Hugh and Judy? Where is Janelle? Carl? Ike? Butch? Nick? And please, in the name of God and all that is Holy, will SOMEONE tell me where I put my check book?! I've been looking for it for weeks!

All this and more, in the next pitiful chapter of God Awful.

--

Snazzo doesn't own Jimmy Neutron and he wouldn't own the Brady Bunch if you paid him for it. Though Marcia Brady did just release a tell-all book, which makes this Fanfic look like a Nobel Prize winner.

--

Comments and reviews very welcome, but please don't say it's Stanky Bodanky. Thank you as always for reading. Sorry to make your stomach so upset. Not responsible for soiling the carpet.


	5. Thank GAWD God Awful is Over!

God Awful, Chapter Nineteen Aught Five

By Snazzo

Well I made it my New Year's Resolution to finish this ridiculousness so I could move onto other ridiculousness, so here it goes:

* * * *

Cindy sat at the table with the Brady Bunch. Alice brought out some creamed corn, lima beans, and kumquats for dinner. "Thank Gawd!" Cindy said. "I'm a bit peckish!"

"You're going to be a bit puke-ish after eating that!" Greg said.

"Greg!" Carol warned. "Don't be rude!"

As Cindy ate dinner she noticed the vase on the table was starting to leak water. No one seemed to pay attention to it though, so she ignored it as well. But soon it was too hard NOT to notice, sprouting water like Buckingham Fountain.

"My Gawd!" Carol suddenly explained. "Alice! Honey!" She tried to plug the leaks like the little boy who plugged the leaks in the dike, whose name I forget, but to no avail.

"You don't mean "explained" hon," her husband said, whose name I forget. "You mean "exclaimed.""

"You're right!" Carol exclaimed.

Suddenly the Dread Jannelle appeard. "I have you now Cindy!" she exclaimed.

"Who are you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Peter exclaimed, pointing a trembling finger and the highly dangerous and amusing Janelle.

"Shut your festering gob, you tit!" Janelle exclaimed "Or I shall use my Disentegrator upon your sorry ass!"

"I know you are but what am I?" Peter Brady exclaimed.

"You ask for it!" Janelle exclaimed and squeezed the trigger of her Disentagrator. It turned to powder in her hands. "Well, what do you know, it disintegrated."

"Enough!" Cindy exclaimed. "I've had it with your big freaky ego!" And Cindy reached across the table and smacked Janelle, and KNOCKED HER UP!

!!!!

No, that's not right! I mean knocked her OUT! How embarrassing. She couldn't knock her up, that's a biological impossibility.

"So much for that," Cindy said with satisfaction. "Pass me the Spam, will you?"

* * * *

Aboard the Starship Voyager Sheen and Libby discovered the joys of the Holodeck and Replicator and lived happily ever after.

* * * *

In the world of Monty Python Amber and Britney discovered the joys of things I can't talk about, and lived confusingly ever after.

* * * *

In Retroville, Carl snuggled up against Judy. "That was fantastic," he whispered in her ear.

"I'm glad you liked it," Judy replied. "Would you like some more?"

"You best believe it toots!" Carl nodded.

Judy handed Carl another cookie. "It's so good to have a man who enjoys cookies instead of pies for a change," she exclaimed.

"Me like cookies too!" the Cookie Monster said.

"I know you do!" Judy exclaimed. "And it's so good to have a monster who likes cookies instead of pies for a change."

"And I like cookies too!" the toaster exclaimed."

"I know you do!" Judy exclaimed. "And it's so good to have a toaster who likes cookies instead of pies for a change."

* * * *

Meanwhile, Kim Possible married Ron Stoppable and lived happily ever after. That Super Freaky Thing, Roofus the Naked Mole Rat, was Best Man.

* * * *

Wade and Jimmy started a successful Internet Enterprise, Omni Information Services. They could provide the answers to anything. Soon they had cured cancer, developed antigravity, resolved the Mideast Crisis, stopped racial prejudice, resolved the world economic crisis, and best of all, developed a clean burning replacement for nasal hair.

As they both relaxed on the beach Diana came over to them, wearing nothing but a big smile. "More Purple Flurp Gentlemen?" she asked.

"You better believe it," Jimmy answered. Jimmy and Wade raised a glass. "A toast then! Here's to us! Who's like us? Damn few. And they're all dead."

"Yes," Wade agreed. "The morning sun may kiss the grass, the sparkling wine may kiss the glass, the clock may kiss the hours that pass, and you my friend … drink hardy!"

"Yes," Fred agreed. "Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

"Yes," the Fat Man agreed. "Through the lips and over the gums, watch out liver for here it comes!"

* * * *

With a scream of terror the Pizza Monster awoke with a start.

"What is it dear?" Mrs. Pizza Monster asked. "Did you have another dream about children?"

"Yes!" the Pizza Monster sobbed. "They were terrible! IT WAS TERRIBLE! There were many more of them this time. Nothing made any sense at all!! It was all confusing and frightening. Why, Cheeses of Nazareth, WHY?!?!?!"

"Well, dear," Mrs. Pizza Monster said "If you keep eating those Formica, asbestos and Hannah Montana sandwiches before you go to sleep you're going to keep having nightmares."

"Thank Gawd it was only a dream," the Pizza Monster sighed with relief.

"The end," the Pizza Cat said. "Meow."

* * * *

"What a terrible way to end a Fan Fic!" George cried.

"Well, it is one of our cheesiest," Fred explained. "Pizza? Cheese? Get it? I kill myself!"

"What else do you have?"

"Hmm, well there's the chase," Fred offered.

"There he is!!" Janelle cried, pointing.

"After him!" Judy yelled. "He must not escape!!"

George sprinted away, with Janelle, Judy, Mortimer Snerd, Jimmy Durante, Isabelle, and Little Jacob in hot pursuit. They ran past the grandfather clock, down the stairs, through the gardens, and all the way to the aqueduct.

* * * *

"Naa," George said. "I'm too tired to run."

"How about a Scooby Doo ending?" Fred asked.

* * * *

"Got you now, you devious Janelle!" Jimmy said triumphantly. Janelle sat before the gang, her hands in cuffs, duct tape across her mouth, her legs bound with rope. "Now let's see who you really are!" Jimmy took Janelle's mask off. The gang gasped.

"Good heavens!" Carl cried. "It's old man Bolbi, who owns Haunted Retroland!!"

"And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you bratty kids!" Bolbi hissed.

* * * *

"No," George said.

"How about the Raiders of the Lost Ark Ending?" Fred offered.

* * * *

"You've done your country a great service," General Abercrombie said "And we thank you."

"And we trust you found the reward satisfactory," Commander Baker said.

"The money is fine but this situation is completely terrible," Jimmy complained.

"Where is the Ark?" Cindy asked.

General Abercrombie took out his pipe. "I thought we went through that. The Ark is someplace very SAFE."

"From who?" Cindy asked.

"The Ark of the Covenant is a source of unspeakable power and it must be researched!" Jimmy explained.

"And it will be," Commander Baker said. "Mister Neutron, Misses Vortex. We have Top Men working on that problem right now."

"Who?" Jimmy asked.

"Top," Commander Baker said. "Men."

Outside the Capitol Building Jimmy turned to Cindy. "Fools! Bureaucratic fools! They don't know what they've got there."

"Well I know what I've got here," Cindy said with a smile. "Can I buy you a Purple Flurp? You know, a Flurp?"

Jimmy nodded and the two of them continued down the stairs, arm in arm.

In a distant warehouse the Holy Ark of the Covenant, containing THE Ten Commandments was lowered into a box. The top was nailed on, a lock was put on it, and it was rolled down a long row of boxes in the dimly lit warehouse. Past hundreds if not thousands of crates and boxes; so many things Man was not meant to know, so many questions unanswered.

* * * *

"Ah yes, a truly magnificent ending," George said. "But what else have you got?"

"How about the summing up by the panel?" Fred offered.

* * * *

"Well, this story was truly awful," Ashley Tisdale said. "It was poorly written, made no sense whatsoever, left many points unresolved. The characters were often out of character. The punctuation, spelling, grammar, and humor all childish and immature. The author was a worthless talentless hack with a big nose and bad body odor; his scabs were disgusting, as was his terrible dandruff and bad breath; when he cleared his throat it sounded like he was clearing his whole upper cavity; he was a rotten, arrogant, nasty little pervert and I liked him very much. Brian?"

"Well, I disagree Ashley," Brian said. "I think the only part of this story that was worthwhile at all is the part with me in it right now. Socrates?"

"I give it a big thumbs down. Jimmy Durante?"

"I give it a big noses down," Jimmy Durante said. "Ha cha cha! Professor R.J. Gumbie?"

"Well I believe that this story would have been much better if it were written on used toilet paper, set on fire, eaten by a goat, the goat shot and stuffed into a bag, and the bag thrown off a cliff. Cindy Vortex?"

"Well, I am shocked and dismayed that this here Snazzo fellow even had the audacity to include me in such a worthless piece of trash. Kelly?"

"I really have to take a pee. The RMS Titanic?"

"Well, I really don't have an opinion, since I'm a sunken luxury liner at the bottom of the Atlantic. Mister Throatwarbler?"

"I'd take this Snazzo fellow and shove sparrows down his throat until the beaks poke out through his stomach."

* * * *

"Yes, yes, very amusing," George said. "But rather pointless."

"How about the Mega Happy Ending?" Fred said.

"Oh George!" Sandra cried, hugging him tight and covering his face with kisses. "Thank God you're safe!"

"Ah, nevermind, you wouldn't want that," Fred said.

"Why wouldn't I want that?" George asked.

"Well how about the Sudden Ending?"

THE END

* * * *

Really, that's it! God Awful, wasn't it? Thank you, as always, for reading. Comments and Reviews very welcome, but please, no matter what you do, don't say it's Stanky Bo Danky.

If you hate this, you'll surely hate my other works. Check them out!

Snazzo


End file.
